Apparently you get bonus points on TV's Countdown if you get a 9 letter word using ALL the vowels.

Former host Richard Whiteley got 'pneumonia'....

I wondered how short it would take for these to come out.

Received through text message no doubt?

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman ....

oh, those jokes are not very Politically Correct anymore, are they?!

Man walks in to a butchers and points to the meat on the shelf, and says to the butcher

"I bet you 50 pounds you cannot reach that meat up there."

Butcher replies:-

"No way am I taking your £50 bet,
the steaks are too high !"

...walk into a bar.

The landlord says, "are you trying to be funny?"

>>>EVER WONDERED............
>>>
>>>Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing
>>>liquid is made with real lemons?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?
>>>
>>>
>>>Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for
>>>the indestructible black box?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
>>>
>>>
>>>Why they call the airport "the terminal"
>>>if flying is so safe?

Want a laugh?

Check out the Paris 2012 Olympic bid !

In case you need further proof that the human race is stupid,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".

(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).


On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".

(And that would be how???)


On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".

(But, it's just a suggestion).


On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".

(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".

(And you thought????...)


On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".

(But wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".

(And...I'm taking this because???)


On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".

(As opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".

(Talk about a news flash!)


I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".


On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Hope these gave you a chuckle!

Old lady telephones the pharmacy as asks if they sell incontinence pads by mail order.

"Yes madam, where are you ringing from!?"

Final Score - own goal ?

The suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions.

For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216
or does it count as an own goal?

Where does this final score place our UK champ in the world league table...

Did you hear about the incontinent tortoise????


It pee-ed itshell

Football chants from around the grounds

Apparently this was the chant to Lord of the Dance tune at the Man United the other day:

"Park, Park, Where ever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse
You could be a scouse
Eating rats in your council house"
........................................
........................................ ............
(To the tune of The Addams Family) by fans visiting Norwich:
Your sister is your mother
Your uncle is your brother
You all **** one another
The Norwich family
der der der der clap clap etc

**************************************
.Newcastle fans towards Sunderland fans.
''Going down .going down going down,
Sunderland fans reply.....
So are we , so are we , so are we .

***************************************
"Wheres your real dad, wheres your real dad!?"
Charlton fans to Shaun Wright-Philips

***************************************
Toon fans to JF Hasselbaink. He even laughed!:
"You're just a fat Eddie Murphy"

***************************************
To Graham Rix when he was released from prison after being convicted for,
well, you know... (To the Manic Street Preachers song): "If you tolerate
RIX, then your children will be next"

****************************************
West Brom sang:
the premier league is upside down
the premier league is upside down
we're up the top chelsea bottom the premier
league is upside down then a few seconds later
champions...............champions....... ......champions

***************************************
He's here, he's there
We're not allowed to swear
Frank Leboeuf, Frank Leboeuf"

Chelsea fans after Leboeuf said in a radio interview that he didn't like the
idea of a swear word in his song.

**************************************
A song about Tim Howard's tourettes syndrome.....
in style of Chim-Chiminey
"Tim timminy
Tim timminy
Tim Tim Tirooo
We've got Tim Howard
and he says F*CK YOU!!

***************************************
In reference to Jaime Carragher's dad being banned from football stadia
after being arrested for being drunk at a football match.. He's red, He's
sound, He's banned from every ground, Carra's dad, Carra's dad

***************************************
Sung by Birmingham fans after Heskey started banging in the goals at St
Andrews... Theres only one Emile Heskey, one Emile Heskey, He used to be
sh**e, But now hes alright, Walking in a Heskey wonderland

***************************************
Sung at Highbury when Cygan is drafted in as emergency cover...

He's bald, He's sh*t, He gets a game when no-one's fit, Pascal Cygan! Pascal Cygan!

***************************************
To the tune of Rebel Rebel

Neville Neville, you play in defence,
Neville Neville, your play is immense,
Neville Neville, like Jacko you're bad,
Neville Neville is the name of your dad

****************************************
Don't blame it on the Biscan,
Don't blame it on the Hamann,
Don't blame it on the Finnan,
Blame it on Traore,
He just can't, He just can't, He just can't control his feet.
He just can't, He just can't, He just can't control his feet.
........................................
........................................ ......

**************************************
"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Aandy Gorams"...

Celtic fans to Andy Goram after its revealed the chubby keeper was diagnosed
with Schizophrenia.

***************************************

In the essence of holiday stress, thought you might take a moment from
your busy, busy lives to demonstrate your keyboarding prowess.

Click on the link below and use your arrow keys to get Santa drunk.
This is really funny! See if you can beat a score of 302.

Don't touch the train track!

Just use your arrow keys to take Santa over food and drink pictures that appear to achieve Father Christmas's goal of complete alcoholic oblivion!

http://www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf

yay 755!!

583