Anyone got any jokes or humor to brighten up a dull day?

The Amazing Human Mind

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

Girl says to her Mum - why am I black and you are white?

Well, thinking back to that party, I'm surprised you do not bark like a dog!

I like it !

Wedding Best Man Speech for tomorrow

Well, to think Scott won Denise over with the chat-up line,
"I might not be Fred Flintstone, but I could sure make your Bedrock".

The groom recently started his own business, and they call him Pelican at the bank – everywhere he turns he always has a huge bill in front of him.

Yep, he’s spent a fortune over the years, some on women, some on drink……. and the rest of it he’s wasted!

I think marriage will teach Scott loyalty, self-restraint, control. It will develop in him a sense of fair play…..…and many other qualities he wouldn’t have needed if he had stayed single!

One thing I will say about the bride is she actually has a very good sense of humour,----As she’s proved today by marrying Scott!

It was obviously too difficult for her to find someone sensitive, caring, and good-looking----- All those men had boyfriends!

You look great in that fantastic white dress, you won’t have any trouble blending in with everything else in the kitchen!

Isn’t it funny how history repeats itself? The brides mum and dad can recall years ago putting you to bed with a dummy, and now it’s happening all over again!

I was speaking to a chap the other day and was telling him I was going to be Best Man at a wedding. He offered some advice about the speech. He said the speech should be like a mini-skirt – long enough to cover the important bits but short enough to keep everyone interested!!

I would now like to read a few of the wedding cards --

The first one is addressed to the bride;
To Denise from Chelsea Football Club.
Scott once came to us for a secret trial.
We tried him in every position, and he was absolutely useless.--
Now it’s your turn.---

The second card is addressed to Scott;
My dearest Ramsay. I miss your strong arms, your tender loving ways, the way you whisper sweet nothings in my ear.---I realise I am a loser in love, but I will think of you always as I fall asleep at night.
Love forever;--------Dale Winton.---


I would just like to finish off, by giving a couple of pieces of wisdom about marriage.

Marriage; the condition, where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected, what he was getting.-----

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

Remember – marriage is not a word, it’s a sentence. You get less for murder.

There are 5 rings involved in marriage:
Engagement RING,
wedding RING,
suffeRING,
tortuRING, and
enduRING.

Finally, Ladies and gentlemen, there are obviously two very important people here today, whom we all have the utmost respect for and quite honestly with whom, we couldn't do without. At some stage this evening we will all be with them, sharing with them this special day.
So if you will all raise your glasses with me, I would like to make a toast to them,
---to The Bar Staff!---- !!!!


Right, lets get p!shed!

I am attending a wedding tomorrow, so will keep these speech ideas in mind to pass on to the nervous Best Man. He plans to ad lib his speech, but I reckon his bottle will crash as soon as he gets to his feet.

A good one liner:-
I hope your marriage is like a kitchen table....
all legs and no drawers!!

Tommy's Mom called her 1st Child,"Mark"

Tommy's Mom called her 2nd Child,"Yoav"

What did Tommy's Mom call her 3rd Child?


See next reply listing for the answer.

The answer to previous question is:

Tommy!!!

only if shes only got three kids......

eh?

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg


I couldn't believe that I could actually understand what I was reading.

and so on. Clever actually.

Disclaimer: This is a JOKE following the World Cup Final, OK!

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found headbutted to death in the apartment of a French footballer......



..... it was murder on Zidanes floor....

what?

Happy birthday to the last ever post in this dim and dusty corner of the forum. I wonder if I'll get to wish this one happy birthday too?